who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
