OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
