You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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