she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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