Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
