You can't special order awesome
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
