I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you would pick up someone in the library
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
