Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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