I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
