i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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