You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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