i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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