a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
