i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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