i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
