I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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