Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
