last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
