last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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