You just made me feel so damn special
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
