I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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