i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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