so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
