The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
