I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
