She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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