I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
