1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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