Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
