Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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