I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
