We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
