I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
