I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
