I wannas sexs uuuuu
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
