My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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