Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
