Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
