he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
