she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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