And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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