I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
