do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
