I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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