Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
