I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
