So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
