i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
