i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
