I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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