Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
