Your face is a jimmy john
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
