My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
